Saturday, 16 February 2013

5 f**king facts about cornwall

Ok so we live in a county of England called "Cornwall" its the bit at the very end that kinda looks like a penis...
Its the bit in red, and i know what your thinking.... what kind of penis looks like that?. It was just a test gulp.
Now shall we take a closer look!...

The penis peninsula 

We decided to do an educational post about Cornwall in order to fill everyone in on the ins and outs of the rollers Graceland. The following is a list of things synonymous with our beautiful county lol FML feel like a tourist information kiosk.

1. The Cornish pasty 

That's right eat it up, its smoking hot and tasty just like daddy.

The Cornish national dish, a hearty mixture of sweed, potato and fucking steak. Im sure more stuff is in it but i cant be bothered to google it lol (im sure we should know!). The one thing we can promise here in cornwall   is NO HORSE MEAT.
An artists impression of what the deadly horse meat might look like

You eat the pasty with your hands, like a roll. Basically it has a hard crimped side made of pastry as the miners would have the lovely pasty for lunch. There was often arsenic found near tin, and if the miners got arsenic on there hands they would be very poorly and possibly die, during these times people were very poor (and pay day loans didn't exist) so a funeral was out of the question as they were super expensive (only priests were rich in these times, and were eventually responsible for the dawn of the pay day loan). So in order to combat needless expense on numerous funerals the pasty was invented. The miner would hold the tough edge and eat from the other, meaning there mouth would never come in to contact with pastry contaminated by the touch of the human hand. This worked very well as the miners all also suffered from mild o.c.d which meant they couldn't operate properly mentally without knowing there was separation between there food and there grubby grubby hands, which in turn saved there concentration and further funeral possibilities. 


2. Tourists

Cornwall is known as the "Rivera" of England. Yes its a beautiful holiday destination for those unlucky enough to be scared of flying. Yes tourism makes up a  massive part of the Cornish economy and while it is very beautiful it is difficult to fathom why when flights to Spain on easy jet can be obtained for under £50, how anyone in there right sane mind would spend hundreds of pounds coming here to chill out is far beyond me. 
 Which is why i am dubbing Cornwall - 'The holiday destination of the mad'. But frankly its not just the holiday makers who are barking, its the locals too. Ever herd the old saying 'if you shake a stoking all the nuts go to the bottom'?, well its bang on. My favorite Cornish pocket of crazy is St.austell, yes when i lived there i saw my fair share of bizarre behavior. Its common place to join the Que in the post office and the person in front to be talking to themselves with uncalled for aggressiveness, whilst a gentleman drags a toaster past the window. 

All of our hero's are not hero's

Don't be fooled the film straw dogs was set in Cornwall

Cornwall is very famous for its fishing heritage  but we don't do it anymore because its not cost effective, same as tin, at one point we were kicking ass and mining like most of the worlds tin or some shit, but that too is now defunct.Which is why i have decided instead to use this section to tell you about a dream i had where  a man was running after me but instead of arms he had beautiful wings, he spoke in a thick Spanish accent and to spite his lack of regular arms and strange addition of wings, he wore a leather jacket that even in my state of sleep was strangely reminiscent of early 90's TV detective come antiques dealer 'Lovejoy'.

Lovable rouge trader sans wings and Spanish tongue 


Surfing in for a quick rape

Surfing is very popular in Cornwall  or so im told. Mainly because of the tremendous surfing conditions on our coastlines, or so im told. Surfers are responsible for a tenth of Cornwall's crime rate, forcing scared single mothers to invest in protection such as flame throwers and panic room's. That's not at all true im sorry. Not having any interest in surfing im finding it ever so difficult to write about it with any passion, so not to disappoint i thought i would stay true to form and totally change the subject. 

How good is that.

5. Cornish second names

Everyone in Cornwall who is Cornish has one of the following second names - Davies, Pascoe or Rowe. Again im totally lying but there really is allot of these types about, and if your ever down this neck of the woods, you will do well to blend in by choosing one as a 
Cornish pseudonym. Doing this may result in local discount's on drinks and save you a trip to a hospital. 

Dear Mr reader, we accept the fact we had to sacrifice a whole blog post on Cornwall to tell you about how wrong we are. But we think your crazy to expect an essay rather than a vague rundown of loosely affiliated items attempting to define 'who we are', in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions.
We found that each one of us eats a pasty, is a surfer, is not a fisherman or a miner, is a Pascoe or a Davies, or relies on the money spent by an insane tourist. I hope this answers your question. Yours sincerely , the cornish club. 

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